Bad sex terms – or Words that really put you off ;-)

The author of the fabulous book Siren’s Wave J A Hazel wrote a blog post recently about sex in books, and it got me thinking about how much is too much.

Siren's Wave: (A Rock and Roll Love Story) by [Hazel, J.A.]

 

I love romance reads, and erotica if I’m in the mood but whichever they are too much repetitive stuff is a turn off. I’ve written crits on erotica where author seems to think because its tagged as erotica its OK to write page after page after page of the same scene with slight variations. I just end up flipping pages to get to the story.
For me sex should be the spice in the book, not the leading theme. Detail is fine if its well written, but often the suggestions and hints are more sensual than a blow-by-blow every little detail telling, especially when frankly some authors just can’t write good sex scenes. Less really can be More.
I got so fed up of the weird and wonderful in sex scenes I started compiling a list…and now I’m thinking of a second one of the impractical/impossible scenes…there’s one trilogy I really enjoyed where the couple had sex on horseback! On his black stallion of course, who was totally unfazed at H ripping off her yoga pants and thrusting into her while riding…yeah, as if!
As a horse-rider I know that -well I won’t say no horse but certainly very few would allow that, and it would be uncomfortable, you’d need to be riding bareback – as in no saddle 😉 and two riders one horse isn’t good for the horse’s back.
All I can visualise is some pretty hot and sweaty sex, and not the good kind hot and sweaty, a very uncomfortable horse and riders, cos its not a good place for sex, lots of chafing for h, where her bare skin is rubbing against horse, making the horse fidget uncomfortably and very likely the horse either bucking them off or charging away trying to dislodge them.

There’s lots like that where as a reader instead of thinking how hot the scene is I’m thinking As If, My god there’s not enough space, euww the cleaning cupboard…as an ex-cleaner I can tell you they usually have an aroma of cleaning chemicals and whiffy damp mops and cloths. You won’t want to get at it in there! That’s not what the author had in mind I’m sure. Make it reasonably realistic sex, a little artistic licence is fine of course,  and if you can’t then simply suggest it and leave the rest to the readers imagination.

These are all genuine words/phrases in books I’ve read! Whats your favourite and have you any to add? 

love muscle
man meat,
love button,
fluttering, quivering opening ( really makes the vagina sound like a butterfly)
Rose (Vagina)
yearning bud
snatch/oozing snatch (sounds like a health check is needed)
Staff… ( thy rod and staff comfort me)
juicy hole ( all I can think if its the gum we used to chew, Juicy Fruit) 
long length of him
long rope of him ( could be scratchy if its hemp rope!)
centre of her desire
coochie/coochie grazing
vay-jay-jay ( that usually gets bedazzled too. Poor guy needs sunglasses on when looking at some of these) 
hoo ha
bundle/knot of nerves
apple could solve that little problem I.liner ( I can’t remember how this got in there, what the relvance was, I think it was about eye make-up,  but it makes me smile) 
from eating my cookie to plowing my corn hole ( someone is hungry)
laved her wet, trembling folds ( that belongs in a Barbara Cartland novel only)
from her quavering center ( surely only old ladies quaver…..)
her pleasure point
sliding his enormity into her…sounds ominous
rocketed herself up to the mushroom cap
curls of her divide
stiff banner of his need – (clearly that’s on the bloke who has a Flag pole or Staff )
sweet quim ( though in historical reads that one fits and TBH I’d father realy read Quim than the usual C unt which sounds just horrible)
honeyed centre
the length of his love
The werewolves refers to their penises (peni?) as “woobies.” (From I’m the Vampire, that’s Why. Yep, that’ll get her in the mood! )

So, anyone got any to add to that?

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About jeanniezelos

I'm an avid reader, love my kindle and I have my head in a novel for hours daily : ) Mum used to say I'd read toilet paper if it was printed- it wasn't, so i had to contend myself with the back and sides of the cereal packets. I've always Needed to read and we had few books when i was a child hence my penchant for reading anything including adverts then... I review mainly contemporary, erotic and paranormal romance books though dystopian and urban fantasy also appeal. I'm currently rated around the 300 mark on amazon.co.uk for my reviews. I try to keep them structured and to say what I do and don't like about a book so other readers can use my review as a guide to whether they may enjoy the book.

7 responses to “Bad sex terms – or Words that really put you off ;-)”

  1. barnconversionblog says :

    I cant say I’ve really read much in the Romance Masquerading As Soft Porn genre. Well, not since my sixth form Mills and Boon days (Catholic school run by nuns, we had to get our kicks where we could). One phrase, however, has somehow stuck in my memory…. something about “freeing his throbbing manhood from its denim prison”. There was lots of throbbing, I recall. It’s generally a very underused word in other genres, unless your character has accidentally hit an appendage with a hammer 😉

  2. jahazel777 says :

    Thanks for that list Jeannie! I had a great laugh and was only slightly turned off my breakfast 😉

    I think it’s all the clever dicks, mouths, fingers and probably even toes that get me. With all the smarts of those appendages these people must be freaking geniuses!

    Looking forward to updates on your list 🙂 Jay.

  3. Mary Smith says :

    Great post – made my day start with a smile 🙂

    • jeanniezelos says :

      glad you liked it Mary. I’ve had this list growing on my pc for a while and Jay’s post made me remember it and get it out 🙂 amazing how many (bad)
      ways there are to describe the same things.

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